Toddler Tuesday: 5 tips for toning down tantrums.

Why do children whine, cry and throw tantrums? Is it only because of their age, like a developmental gauntlet that they must put us parents through to be sure we will survive their teenage years? Perhaps, but I don't think so. It has often been put forward that toddlers throw tantrums because they WORK, I don't know about that either. Most of the children I have worked with over the years have certainly had times that they used the tantrum as a way to motivate parents to give them what they wanted, but more often it seemed to be more of an emotional outlet. One that they use to express everything from pain & disappointment to sadness & anger, but most of all, frustration. Imagine, you are old enough to know what you want, but not old enough to understand why your mom doesn't give it to you, or why it hurts when you bang your head, or why the boy at the park keeps taking your toy. The overwhelming onslaught of emotion could be quite overwhelming to you! I kind of think of toddlers as robots in a sci-fi show who have just received their emotion chip, and are having short circuits while figuring out the appropriate way to channel their new feelings. Even though there is no sure fire way to help your little howler monkey get through this difficult stage, I have five tips that might help smooth the process a little.


1. Be incapable of understanding whining.
Because your little one probably does understand that they have the power to communicate now, if whining gets in the way of you hearing them, they will tend to rephrase their request in a less whiny voice. Be careful, responding even one time to whining can make it more difficult for your toddler to believe that you cannot understand them, and if they become frustrated, it may make their impending tantrum worse. Also, though it is tempting to make a game out of not understanding your little giggle-bug's whines, this can lead to hours of whiny play, which might lead to YOU throwing a tantrum. It is best if you pretend that whining is a language that you just don't speak, and which doesn't interest you all that much (focusing attention on a toddler while they are whining can be interpreted as a reward for that behavior). If your toddler believes you, they will drop the whining in favor of a more effective form of communication.

2. Respond to crying by offering physical comfort.

When your sweet little sugar tart starts screaming and crying on her belly in the middle of the grocery store, the best response is to pick her up and give her some cuddle time. If the tantrum is an angry one, chances are this will not be something she wants and can make things worse, but at least no one will call the authorities on you. For most tantrums this response will work fairly well, especially if you are consistent. What you are teaching your toddler with this type of response is that screaming and crying are an appropriate way to ask for hugs and kisses, and that is all they are likely to receive when they engage in those behaviors. It's also a good way to keep your own frustration and anger in check.

3. "Translate" your child's emotions for them.

Since we can often tell that the reason our little Donald Duck has blown his stack is from frustration or another powerful emotion, it is a useful technique to use language to narrate your toddlers episode. For example: "You sure are angry! When I'm angry I like to stomp my feet(or whatever you do) like this (make a big show of illustrating what you do when you are angry). When dogs are angry they bark like this (make a big barking sound). When gorillas are angry they beat their chest like this..." etc. You can do this type of modeling and translation for your toddler with any of the emotions that you think are the underlying reason for the tantrum. Keep in mind that although frustration is most often the final reason things escalate to tantrum status, disappointment, embarrassment and anxiety are common underlying emotions that lead to the frustration as well.

4. Distract, redirect & change the subject like crazy.

It won't take too long before you are so familiar with your baby's moods that you can see a tantrum coming. Right then is the time to change the subject! Maybe you just remembered a half-stick of gum in your purse that you toddler could have a taste of, or you could burst into your little one's favorite rhyme or song. You could ask your little Einstein some questions about the things around you, or start a quick game of I-Spy. Whatever you do, steer clear of the sensitive topic. If all else fails, a tickle war will usually drive the blues away before they can arrive. It is a lot of work to drop everything and focus on your toddler, but it is a lot more work to drag a limp, screaming little banshee around town with you while you are trying to finish your errands.

5. Give in sooner.
Did you hear me right? Yes you did, I said "give in sooner", and I meant it. Actually, try to give in BEFORE there is a problem. When your two year old asks for something that you want to say "no" to ask your self first "why not"? Since you might end up giving in after a big tantrum anyway, be extra sure that your "no" is a reasonable one to begin with. So your funny bunny wants a lemon drop and it is an hour before lunch, is it really all that bad if you say yes? What if she doesn't want to share her new truck at the park? Is today the one time when she will learn the importance of sharing or will it just reinforce to her why she doesn't want to share if she is forced to? I guess what I am saying is, have the fight with yourself first, and if it is important enough to have a tantrum over, go ahead with your first response but be ready to defend your position no matter what. It won't help anything if you take a stand only to fold after 15 minutes of screaming, anyone can see that the lesson learned in this instance is very counter-productive to teaching your toddler better ways to express her emotions. This strategy is an old tried and true one, my grandma called it "choosing your battles".

I don't think there is any absolute solution that will prevent every tantrum, if there is I haven't found it yet. But tantrums don't have to last forever, with a little understanding and strategy they can be shorter and fewer in number. I know that for myself I still throw little tantrums from time to time, and they are almost all based in a feeling of being out of control and the frustration that comes from being misunderstood. I think about that when I see my son scrunch up his eyes and stick out that adorable bottom lip. Keeping a broader perspective helps me not to take things personally, and that helps us both get over the tantrum faster. I hope if you find these tips helpful you will forward them to any new or expecting parents, or parents of toddlers you know. Questions and comments are always welcome. Happy parenting!

5 tips for keeping your baby fit.

Most babies come fully equipped with instincts that they need to help them grow and develop into healthy active adults, but we give them the things they weren't born with like protection, nourishment, love and healthy habits. For example, a baby does have an instinct to nurse, but not for brushing her teeth. This is why I think it is a great idea for parents to start a morning exercise routine with their babies that consists of developmentally appropriate strength building movements. Just ten minutes in the morning is enough for a baby, they will tire quickly if you push them too much but just a little exercise is invigorating. These moves have the added benefit of also being able to help your baby expel gas. I would recommend either feeding your baby after the exercise, or at least an hour before to prevent causing any digestive discomfort.

1. Baby pull ups.
This move is good to start trying when your baby is one month old. Lay your baby on your lap with your knees together. Your baby's head should be by your knees, and the bottom should be on your thighs. Wrap your baby's fingers around your thumbs so he is holding on and begin to slowly lift your thumbs away from your baby, upward. Your baby should hold on tight and pull back on your thumbs, and even tense his neck or try to lift his head a little. Don't actually lift your baby off of your legs, or raise his head more than an inch or so in case his strength suddenly gives out. Simply pull up, then lower your baby gently back down 4 or 5 times with slow fluid motions. This move primarily tones your baby's arms, but the neck and stomach also benefit.

2. Baby squats.
To start this move, you can keep your baby laying on your lap as described in the first tip. Then, place the palms of your hands against your baby's cute little bare feet and press up toward her bottom. If your baby doesn't push against your hands, try tickling her feet for a couple of seconds before trying again. if your baby's legs tremble or shake when you are beginning to push, don't worry, this is fairly common in newborns, it comes from a lack of muscle tone. This exercise is actually one of those that physical therapists use for helping tone a baby's legs. Repeat 4 or 5 times, as you do these exercises with your baby every morning, your baby will quickly become stronger and able to do more.

3. Baby push-ups.
Although your baby will do a lot of this kind of exercise when placed on a blanket on the floor for tummy time, most of the work down there will be done by your baby's back, not the arms. This exercise is very similar to the first one, except that you will pull your baby's arms toward your chest to get ready, then push them back toward your baby's own chest. Think of your thumbs as the bench press weight bar, and your lap as the bench. If you don't meet any resistance try making the first little push of the motion two or three times very quickly, as soon as your baby begins resisting your pressure, keep pushing steadily toward your baby's chest.

4. Baby sit ups.
Now I know your baby won't be sitting up for a few more months, but that doesn't mean you can't start building the strength your baby will need right now. This exercise move is a lot easier if you prop your baby up with a pillow or rolled up blanket so he is in a reclined but sitting position. Now, lift his legs up about 4 or 5 inches off the ground and tickle his knees. The knee tickling isn't important, it's just fun. Now holding his knees, pull his legs quickly toward you just a little bit, and as soon as you have resistance press them down to the floor and hold them firmly, pulling just a little bit toward yourself. Your baby should let out a big grunt and try to lean forward. This is what a sit-up looks like at the age of 1 or 2 months. Only do 4 or 5, unless your baby insists that you keep going. He is the boss after all.

5. Baby side-lifts.
Now this move is really for the strengthening of your baby's neck. The muscles that keep your baby's head steady are not in the front or the back, they are on the sides of the neck. To start, roll your baby onto her side, and prop her up on a pillow, a rolled up blanket or your lap. Hold her with one hand on her chest and one hand on her back, and lift her up until she is almost perpendicular, then lower her back down. When she feels the motion of being lifted she will automatically stiffen the muscles in her neck to help lift her head. Don't support your baby's head on the side, her shoulder is there and provides plenty of support, but do be prepared to quickly lower your baby back down if her head starts to wobble or look uncomfortable. This move is a good one to practice all through the day. Whenever you pick up your baby, roll her onto her side and lift her up sideways before positioning her on your shoulder or lap. The more often you do this exercise, the sooner your baby's neck will be strong and stable.

I hope you and your baby have a great time doing these exercises together. Who knows, getting your little one into a healthy groove with working out every morning, may just inspire you to make it a part of your morning routine as well! If you like to work out at night, and want to do these exercises at bedtime with your baby, try to finish the excises part of the routine at least an hour before it is time to go to sleep. Exercise can get babies wound up and can make sleep difficult if the two are too close together. Please pass these tips on to any new or expecting parents you know, and if you have any questions or comments, I'd love to hear them! Happy parenting!

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